A Mom’s Search for Food Freedom, Body Neutrality, and a Better Way to Parent
My client, Jaycee (not her real name), came to me with a deep fear that her 15-year-old was getting fat.
His once loose-fitting sweatpants, which he practically swam in last year, now clung noticeably to his thighs, signaling a bright yellow flashing light warning with each tight thread. Soon, it would turn into a flashing red light, she thought and worried incessantly.
She couldn’t shake that her son’s body change meant only one thing: her parenting sucked. She had clearly failed in the eating and exercise parenting game. And how was she going to get back in the game?
Everyone could see what she did wrong. It was like a billboard written across her forehead stating that her most important asset and achievement—her child—didn’t learn the basics of nutrition—like prioritizing vegetables and protein and that a regular exercise routine is essential.
It was confirmed. She had failed to drill these ideas into him. These were essential and she was a failure.
Her concerns weren’t just about his physical appearance but also about the emotional impact and challenges he might face, given her own history of dieting.
“They weren’t too tight yet,” she tried to convince herself about the sweatpants, and “I hope they don’t get even tighter” did cross her mind more than she wanted to reveal.
Jaycee was trapped in diet culture and was tied to societal pressures around body image and parenting standards. She overlooked the multifaceted, complex, and often unknown factors influencing any child’s physical changes.
She had disregarded the complexities of individual growth and development.
She missed the fact that her worth as a parent is not tied to her child's height and weight.
With a long history of dieting (unsuccessfully), this mama couldn’t stop staring at her son’s larger body, a body that she had to fix. She knew exactly what gaining weight would mean. It would mean a lifetime of ridicule, and she had to stop it fast!
So, she had to teach him that his body was “different from others,” that he couldn’t eat like everyone else, and that dieting and exercising excessively was appropriate here.
Worrying for Jaycee was akin to spinning a hamster wheel: it kept her occupied. It was the familiar path she trod, unsure of other routes, and the mental blame game was real.
The internal tape of worry led Jaycee to this toxic place easily.
Time and again, she tried to convince herself that there might be other explanations, but they always fell short. She felt particularly unsettled after family holiday gatherings or events where her children's bodies were prominently showcased, reminiscent of her own childhood experiences.
He was in full-blown puberty, so maybe that was the reason. But he was growing like a weed, so wouldn’t that mean that he would be leaner? Confusion and self-doubt would set in.
Or maybe his weight gain had to do with how his lacrosse practices are only once a week in the winter time, and so, ah ha, he was putting on pounds because when you exercise less, you gain weight. Natural cause and effect. So that might mean that come springtime, he’ll be back to being lanky.
Or maybe he was eating too much. Or maybe it was because of her… This had to be it. She was the reason. She had fed him rich foods throughout his childhood, well, because it was easy to cook one meal for the whole family.
All the meals: steak and French fries and a Caesar salad loaded with croutons and dripping with dressing, broccoli and cheddar soup with crusty garlic bread, baked ziti, homemade chocolate pudding, apple pies, and bacon and eggs for breakfast. It was finally catching up on him.
It was time to change his diet. Soon, she was feeding him salads, grilled chicken for dinner, egg white and spinach omelets for breakfast, and a turkey sandwich with mustard and raw carrots for lunch. And he was hungry—all the time.
The Binge-Restrict Cycle
So, the restriction cycle, which is all too familiar to Jaycee, began, unfortunately.
Jaycee worried about her son’s weight gain
Jaycee denied her son the right to eat ‘fattening’ foods
He binged on sweets or ‘fattening’ foods
He got dejected
Jaycee thought that he had lost all control over food
She restricted him again
And the cycle would repeat over and over again
Jaycee was convinced that all of this reflected her failures as a parent. She was caught in a cycle of worrying and guilt, restricting her son’s eating, and now hers too. Despite her attempts to rationalize the situation, she kept coming back to blaming herself and trying to control her son's diet and exercise.
Jaycee finally decided to get coaching help and found Family Food Freedom.
Finding Food Freedom and Body Neutrality
During our work together, Jaycee saw that her struggle was rooted in pressure and guilt regarding her son's weight gain and that the idea of his weight gain could be neutralized. She realized that diet culture greatly impacted how she saw her son and herself.
She learned about how the cycle of restriction can be broken with a newfound understanding of Intuitive Eating. And she could finally see how her blame and shame were chief contributors to her negative self-talk.
I coached her on cognitive behavioral strategies and nervous system regulation so that she could find ways to calm down her runaway thoughts and turn them into productive ones rooted in self-compassion. She really began to transform.
Most importantly, she learned to separate her self-worth from her child's body size, an approach that was alien to her, thanks to her disordered upbringing with food in her family of origin.
Jaycee identified that she needed support to explore her feelings in a safe space and get guidance to change her situation around.
Jaycee’s experience in diet culture is all too common. Like many of my clients, she came to be scared and excited that there might be a solution. Through coaching, a whole new world opened up to her.
If you are experiencing fear and excitement, like Jaycee, it likely means that you are on the edge of a major change. You can see that there are new possibilities for you and your family. At the same time, your nervous system wants to keep you in your comfort zone.
My advice: Make a quality decision, one focused on your future self, and welcome the fear as a sign that possibilities are real.
For more tips on raising Intuitive Eaters, get my free guide below!
